Singing to Only You

As You Sleep


Close your eyes
And I will be swimming
Lullabies fill your room
And I will be singing
Singing to only you
Don't forget I'll hold your head
Watch the night sky fading red

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me

In the car, the radio leaves me
Searching for your star
A constellation of frustration
Driving hard
Singing my thoughts back to me
Like watching heartache on TV

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me

Don't forget I'll hold your head
Watch the night sky fading red

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me.


--Andrew McMahon

I said I desperately needed some peace of mind. An hour later, he came back with ox brain soup...

Anyway.

It didn't occur to me then, but maintaining an "inner life" is synonymous to keeping your heart and mind at peace. My teenage self misunderstood it as simply retreating from the world and wallowing in desolation (I tried to deny it, but this planet is filled with awful individuals who would rather get ahead at the expense of others). If you know what I mean, the anxiety comes back threefold the moment you must step outside. Like all peculiar complexes, it gets worse the longer you hide.

Withdrawal initially makes us feel safe and secure, but it's detrimental when we use it to build thicker walls. Avoiding people and responsibilities hinders us from having more worthwhile learning experiences. If one really wants to grow, I learned--the hard way 'coz I'm stubborn as hell--that we should balance our need for solitude and active involvement in the world. You can tell me it's a no brainer, but it's easier said than done. To be honest, there was a time I couldn't stand being alone, I just couldn't admit it to myself. I guess I've gotten old enough to say I feel fine on my own. Add that to the fact that I usually want to be left alone. However, on darker times, I seek companionship. Luckily, there are a few people who still stick around for me. 

The world has a way of numbing us through the arbitrariness of adult life. Time and again I feel how work and obligations can take over what's left of my time, leaving me with no room to even process what I'm doing/what is happening. I think we're likely to react the best way we can, in the easiest possible way, at a particular point in time. 

Personally, sometimes I'm just too tired to think of better ways to deal with my shit. That's how I lose myself: when I get world-weary and lazy to even care. And, that's exactly it! It's so much easier to think of inane things (like where to go for the weekend, what Netflix series to watch, when to pay bills, etc.) than to actually sit still and appreciate where we are right now. 

The world conditions us to keep moving, as if staying still, reading, or reflecting on what really matters isn't productive at all. That when we lose touch with our inner lives, we equate the value of our existence with the things we gain materially. Why? Because objects give immediate gratification and inner peace takes so much time without any tangible markers of "success" (which is bullshit, by the way). Most people are not patient by nature. It's like what Jose Mujica said, "I am not advocating poverty, I am advocating sobriety." At some point we have to stop wanting affectations and start working on cultivating rich inner lives.

These days my pursuit for peace and contentment looks more like this: I make time alone, daily, to empty myself of negative thoughts like worries and fears. I make a conscious effort to focus my energy on good outcomes and things I can improve, all while reminding myself that I must strive to be kind, even to myself. I am slowly training my overthinking mind to generate deep and divergent thoughts that do not reject my humanity and smallness. In the process, I hope to have a clearer mind that isn't easily crushed by the world beyond me.

While time alone is essential, it's the quality of our thoughts that will ultimately help us acquire meaningful (inner) lives. I took note of this after realizing I tend towards the downward spiral of depressive thinking. Any form of meditation, prayer, reflection, or whatever you want to call it is a step closer to strengthening ourselves, from the inside out. So yesss, I'm taking care of my head.

Four Years & Counting

Do you know? For you I bleed myself dry.

For you I bleed myself dry.




03/15/2012

Without Valium

A few weeks ago, A. expressed an honest observation he had about my general outlook on life. His exact words were, “It’s like… you have the inability to be happy anywhere you go.” He said I seem to always find errors and focus on the downside of situations when I actually have so many things to be glad about.

Yup, that sounds exactly like me. I’ve always been so hard on myself. And it’s come to a point where seeking ideals has become more detrimental than beneficial.

“So you think I’m ungrateful?” I asked, seriously contemplating the realization he had to let me hear. To help me understand, he explained he wasn’t talking about being ungrateful. That’s just how it looks when you keep choosing to see the wrong side of things. He told me I have difficulty stopping myself whenever I have the tendency to be overly negative. That I mustn’t let temporary setbacks cancel out all the beautiful things that have always made me happy. Instead of brooding over them, I should let them pass. And when I do think about the bigger picture, yes, everything will inevitably pass.

Despite having my share of struggles (for nothing is ever easy when it comes to building a career, chasing stability, and finding a place for yourself), A. knows I’m overwhelmed by the privileges I have, all thanks to my generous family. And I’ve always told him I feel so undeserving of the conveniences given to me. Yes, I have it easier than most people. Yet it doesn’t make me feel better when they say things like “Your problems are so much easier compared to ours.” Well, it’s true. We meet people who are luckier on certain areas of life than others.  But please don’t make my life look like a freakin’ walk in the park. I’m scared about a lot of things mostly because I doubt myself. I’m not sure if I am strong enough. And for the longest time, doubting has been how I lived my life.

I know depression shouldn’t be an excuse for anything. However, I think it’s about time I actively do something about my condition. Perhaps this is how the universe tells me I should ask for help? For the most part, it takes guts to talk to someone than keep everything bottled up (which is why I’d rather write everything down). Somewhere I read that depression is a pattern of negative thinking. Knowing this, I must take an active role in training my mind to think positively.

The thing is, all the anxiety and depression is just half of the story. The truth is I feel guilty for having things I didn’t work for, for not being capable enough to put my personal resources to better use. For being irresponsible when I had many opportunities to step up and be a decent adult. Most of all, I am ashamed for hiding in my comfort zone because it’s easier to do things like I always have. Yes, my bad. I guess I’ve always thought I’d be more helpful and independent by this age. Now, I’m seeing how my decisions have turned out. It’s not like I didn’t know the consequences back then. What does this prove? Even when you think you know, despite running all probable outcomes, once you’re there your future always takes you by surprise.

“Look. This is what happens when you take things for granted.” That was all he said thereafter. I was in the middle of forgetting every personal triumph for little failures that pile up because I can’t let them go. So I stopped and took a deep breath. As we walked on, I made a mental list of everything I loved about that day.

---


There's a story here somewhere.

"I wanna sell, but not be bought."
"Please work with what is left."


"Make it hard to imitation.
Take your picture, congratulations."


"Put those habits on the shelf."

The Rider

Some believe the end will come
in the form of a mathematical equation.
Others believe it will descend as a shining horse.
I calculate the probabilities to be even at fifty percent:
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
I open a window,
I unmake a bed,
Somehow, I am moving closer to the equation
or to the horse with everything I do.
Death comes in the form of a horse
covered in shining equations.
There will be no further clues, I see.
I begin to read my horse.
The equations are drawn in the shapes of horses:
horses covered in equations.
I am tempted to hook an ankle
around the world as I ride away.
For I am about to ride far beyond
the low prairie of beginnings and endings.


--Sarah Manguso

Against Religious Fundamentalism

I'm leaving this right here. Thanks to my friend Gela for writing this and allowing me to repost it. I think it's about time I acknowledge these issues have greatly influenced the way I lived my life. Why? Because we have to realize any religious sect that teaches intolerance breeds hate, division, and terrorism.

For the record, I realized I no longer live with Catholic guilt.

***

"Because "Spotlight" had a cathartic effect on this lapse Catholic.

 Born and raised Catholics who have left the Church have remorse too for their decision. We didn't just wake up one day and decide to leave a faith we grew up with and guided us during our crucial years. It isn't some sort of rebellion done out of spite. Perhaps it began with spite, but even anger can become tiring. But disappointment? Oh disappointment never leaves you, and living with the disappointment isn't easy. We were taught to do the right thing, be accountable, and confess to our sins. Then we went out into the real world and saw how Church leaders and the most devout could show hate instead of love to a boy who was naturally attracted to another boy, or dismiss a girl for not being “womanly” enough because she acted like a boy. Or how a woman’s value is limited to being a good wife and having children, and then made to feel guilty for choosing a career and independence, despite the latter not violating any actual commandments. Or how showing a little skin made her an occasion of sin, removing all accountability to the pervert who gazed at her because she was "asking" for it and leading him to temptation.

And yet despite encouraging women to bear more children, this Church did not see the consequences of opposing a reproductive health bill, letting thousands of Filipinas suffer in a poorly kept hospital as they suffered the pain of bearing their 6th or 10th child. Did this church ever own up to these faults on humanity? Do you see the disconnect and difficulty of being raised to uphold and do the right thing, and see the very institution that taught you all that, do the opposite?

So no, we are not Satanic, blasphemous or “bad” for leaving the Church. Ask us first why, ask us what guilt is harder to bear: complying to rituals and prayers because they seem like the right thing or supporting an institution that makes lives harder for millions of individuals all over the world?

Good night. Go watch "Spotlight" if you still don't believe us."

What do you want out of life?