A few weeks ago, A. expressed an honest observation he had about my general outlook on life. His exact words were, “It’s like… you have the inability to be happy anywhere you go.” He said I seem to always find errors and focus on the downside of situations when I actually have so many things to be glad about.
Yup, that sounds exactly like me. I’ve always been so hard on myself. And it’s come to a point where seeking ideals has become more detrimental than beneficial.
“So you think I’m ungrateful?” I asked, seriously contemplating the realization he had to let me hear. To help me understand, he explained he wasn’t talking about being ungrateful. That’s just how it looks when you keep choosing to see the wrong side of things. He told me I have difficulty stopping myself whenever I have the tendency to be overly negative. That I mustn’t let temporary setbacks cancel out all the beautiful things that have always made me happy. Instead of brooding over them, I should let them pass. And when I do think about the bigger picture, yes, everything will inevitably pass.
Despite having my share of struggles (for nothing is ever easy when it comes to building a career, chasing stability, and finding a place for yourself), A. knows I’m overwhelmed by the privileges I have, all thanks to my generous family. And I’ve always told him I feel so undeserving of the conveniences given to me. Yes, I have it easier than most people. Yet it doesn’t make me feel better when they say things like “Your problems are so much easier compared to ours.” Well, it’s true. We meet people who are luckier on certain areas of life than others. But please don’t make my life look like a freakin’ walk in the park. I’m scared about a lot of things mostly because I doubt myself. I’m not sure if I am strong enough. And for the longest time, doubting has been how I lived my life.
I know depression shouldn’t be an excuse for anything. However, I think it’s about time I actively do something about my condition. Perhaps this is how the universe tells me I should ask for help? For the most part, it takes guts to talk to someone than keep everything bottled up (which is why I’d rather write everything down). Somewhere I read that depression is a pattern of negative thinking. Knowing this, I must take an active role in training my mind to think positively.
The thing is, all the anxiety and depression is just half of the story. The truth is I feel guilty for having things I didn’t work for, for not being capable enough to put my personal resources to better use. For being irresponsible when I had many opportunities to step up and be a decent adult. Most of all, I am ashamed for hiding in my comfort zone because it’s easier to do things like I always have. Yes, my bad. I guess I’ve always thought I’d be more helpful and independent by this age. Now, I’m seeing how my decisions have turned out. It’s not like I didn’t know the consequences back then. What does this prove? Even when you think you know, despite running all probable outcomes, once you’re there your future always takes you by surprise.
“Look. This is what happens when you take things for granted.” That was all he said thereafter. I was in the middle of forgetting every personal triumph for little failures that pile up because I can’t let them go. So I stopped and took a deep breath. As we walked on, I made a mental list of everything I loved about that day.
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There's a story here somewhere.
"I wanna sell, but not be bought."
"Please work with what is left."
"Make it hard to imitation.
Take your picture, congratulations."
"Put those habits on the shelf."
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