"Homesickness"
René Magritte, 1940
1) I constantly had to remind myself that this is not my life. My eight hour job cannot define me. My brain dead mornings should not keep me from watching the sunrise. The three hours I spend working overtime cannot eat what is left of my existence. This is not my real life.
2) Four days ago, I wanted to disappear forever. Yesterday I no longer felt like leaving. I wonder if it's because I am content or simply too tired to go anywhere.
3) I believe in equilibrium, in the notion of stability, and it's illusions. It is a comforting kind of lie.
4) Truth scolds the ignorant. Some of us have never recovered.
5) I honestly just live to read. Perhaps even sometimes write.
6) What do you want out of life?
7) Save room for people, places, and events. Trust me. You'll never want to run out of things to look forward to.
8) I miss sleeping at night.
9) I don' know which is worse: The failure to forget a painful moment, or the failure to recall what it was that made you feel alive.
10) Now and then, I have to remind myself I am afraid to die.
11) This life is excruciatingly long and short at the same time.
13) Tell me why you're tired.
14) There is no way we're born to wait for weekends, buy shit to pretend it makes us happy, pay bills, and die.
15) And the city insists on defining me.
16) "Cruel is the gospel that sets us all free and takes you away from me." - Prefab Sprout
17) I stopped watching or reading the news.
18) Does your happiness outweigh your misery? Out of five instances, how often?
19) I will never get tired of finding beauty where it shouldn't be.
20) Don't go out too long without music.
21) What are you waiting for?
Friday, July 17, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Notes on Indifference
I recently had the pleasure of reading Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell last weekend. Published in
1933, the book chronicles the author’s unfortunate descent into the throes of
poverty in the early 1900s. After reading it, I could actually understand where
Orwell got his inspiration for writing Animal Farm.
Orwell had no choice but to become a plongeur (dishwasher/janitor) in seedy
Paris brasseries after months of not finding work. “It’s modern day slavery,”
he would say. As if his troubles were not enough, he found himself homeless and
once again unemployed when he came to London. For a month he lived the life of
a “tramp,” the equivalent of a “taong grasa” or beggar in our society, existing
on meal tickets and mercy from government houses or “London spikes.”
Reading about European poverty and famine is
strange to me. Perhaps it’s because I never really thought Western
civilizations could be that “poor” (I believe you have to see poverty from my
side of the planet for you to understand what I mean). Nevertheless, I still thought their system of
dealing with homeless vagrants has become the world’s model for treating people
who have fallen into the poverty line.
The idea that you become less than human once
you cannot afford basic necessities disturbs me. You become a pest; people
ignore you or see you as a burden in society. Foul and unproductive creatures
like you are segregated from the public. No one can be bothered to care. You
can no longer socialize and it’s terrifying to lose all self-respect. People
blame you for being poor.
(Condescending attitudes towards the poor are
all too familiar. Why is this still happening? Do people even bother to understand? I detest how
our individual worth is constantly being measured by our purchasing power. Sure,
you have to work hard. Orwell had a streak of bad luck, yet he got out of his
rut. But what about the uneducated? Those who lost the birth lottery? Is it
really their fault if they are born poor, if they cannot change their status? These
are just some of the many things I had to ponder on while going through every
chapter. The idea that it’s a person’s fault if he is poor is in itself a ploy
to keep one from being simple.)
| Plongeur's Life |
| A homeless man asleep on newspapers in Paris (circa 1935) |
Upon reading Down and Out, I began to have
profound respect for people who live a hand-to-mouth existence. At the same
time, I appreciate knowing that kind people can still exist among the poor, and
that there are those, though few, who are able to cultivate intellectual and
moral lives despite their harsh dispositions.
The book also reminded me of my graduate school
sociology class. My professor began that semester with the history of capitalism
and the end of slavery. She then moved on to issues concerning minimum wage
work, sweatshops and domestic employment, undocumented immigrants, and
unsustainable business models. Our class problematized how civilizations were built on the sweat of
billions of minimum wage workers.
Because everything affects everything else, we
have to start seeing life on this planet in its entirety. That means making
life better from the very bottom up, not just up. A change must occur to
address the very root of the problem. And unless people in influential
positions actually care about the common man, progress is only for the middle-class
and the privileged.
On a more personal note, I realized how
important it is to keep our inner lives alive. This goes for all of us, not
just for people struggling with poverty. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in need
and greed when all we ever think about is our place in society. We have to
realize we are more than our desires, needs, and what others see.
--
There is a lot to learn from the past. I find
the following chapter very relevant when it comes to 1) workers rights, 2) how
we utilize our skills, and 3) how society’s elite fails to sympathize with the
working class and the poor. I would have quoted lines, but the entire essay
just has to be read in its full form.
Chapter XXII
Down and Out in Paris
and London, 1933
By George Orwell
For
what they are worth I want to give my opinions about the life of a Paris
PLONGEUR. When one comes to think of it, it is strange that thousands of people
in a great modem city should spend their waking hours swabbing dishes in hot
dens underground. The question I am raising is why this life goes on—what
purpose it serves, and who wants it to continue, and why I am not taking the
merely rebellious, FAINEANT attitude. I am trying to consider the social
significance of a PLONGEUR’S life.
I
think one should start by saying that a PLONGEUR is one of the slaves of the
modem world. Not that there is any need to whine over him, for he is better off
than many manual workers, but still, he is no freer than if he were bought and
sold. His work is servile and without art; he is paid just enough to keep him
alive; his only holiday is the sack. He is cut off from marriage, or, if he
marries, his wife must work too. Except by a lucky chance, he has no escape
from this life, save into prison. At this moment there are men with university
degrees scrubbing dishes in Paris for ten or fifteen hours a day. One cannot
say that it is mere idleness on their part, for an idle man cannot be a
PLONGEUR; they have simply been trapped by a routine which makes thought
impossible. If PLONGEURS thought at all, they would long ago have formed a
union and gone on strike for better treatment. But they do not think, because
they have no leisure for it; their life has made slaves of them.
The
question is, why does this slavery continue? People have a way of taking it for
granted that all work is done for a sound purpose. They see somebody else doing
a disagreeable job, and think that they have solved things by saying that the
job is necessary. Coal-mining, for example, is hard work, but it is
necessary—we must have coal. Working in the sewers is unpleasant, but somebody
must work in the sewers. And similarly with a PLONGEUR’S work. Some people must
feed in restaurants, and so other people must swab dishes for eighty hours a
week. It is the work of civilization, therefore unquestionable. This point is
worth considering.
Is a
PLONGEUR’S work really necessary to civilization? We have a feeling that it
must be ‘honest’ work, because it is hard and disagreeable, and we have made a
sort of fetish of manual work. We see a man cutting down a tree, and we make
sure that he is filling a social need, just because he uses his muscles; it
does not occur to us that he may only be cutting down a beautiful tree to make
room for a hideous statue. I believe it is the same with a PLONGEUR. He earns
his bread in the sweat of his brow, but it does not follow that he is doing
anything useful; he may be only supplying a luxury which, very often, is not a
luxury.
As
an example of what I mean by luxuries which are not luxuries, take an extreme
case, such as one hardly sees in Europe. Take an Indian rickshaw puller, or a
gharry pony. In any Far Eastern town there are rickshaw pullers by the hundred,
black wretches weighing eight stone, clad in loin-cloths. Some of them are
diseased; some of them are fifty years old. For miles on end they trot in the
sun or rain, head down, dragging at the shafts, with the sweat dripping from
their grey moustaches. When they go too slowly the passenger calls them
BAHINCHUT. They earn thirty or forty rupees a month, and cough their lungs out
after a few years. The gharry ponies are gaunt, vicious things that have been
sold cheap as having a few years’ work left in them. Their master looks on the
whip as a substitute for food. Their work expresses itself in a sort of
equation—whip plus food equals energy; generally it is about sixty per cent
whip and forty per cent food. Sometimes their necks are encircled by one vast
sore, so that they drag all day on raw flesh. It is still possible to make them
work, however; it is just a question of thrashing them so hard that the pain
behind outweighs the pain in front. After a few years even the whip loses its
virtue, and the pony goes to the knacker. These are instances of unnecessary work,
for there is no real need for gharries and rickshaws; they only exist because
Orientals consider it vulgar to walk. They are luxuries, and, as anyone who has
ridden in them knows, very poor luxuries. They afford a small amount of
convenience, which cannot possibly balance the suffering of the men and
animals.
Similarly with the PLONGEUR. He is a king compared with a rickshaw
puller or a gharry pony, but his case is analogous. He is the slave of a hotel
or a restaurant, and his slavery is more or less useless. For, after all, where
is the REAL need of big hotels and smart restaurants? They are supposed to
provide luxury, but in reality they provide only a cheap, shoddy imitation of
it. Nearly everyone hates hotels. Some restaurants are better than others, but
it is impossible to get as good a meal in a restaurant as one can get, for the
same expense, in a private house. No doubt hotels and restaurants must exist,
but there is no need that they should enslave hundreds of people. What makes
the work in them is not the essentials; it is the shams that are supposed to
represent luxury. Smartness, as it is called, means, in effect, merely that the
staff work more and the customers pay more; no one benefits except the
proprietor, who will presently buy himself a striped villa at Deauville.
Essentially, a ‘smart’ hotel is a place where a hundred people toil like devils
in order that two hundred may pay through the nose for things they do not
really want. If the nonsense were cut out of hotels and restaurants, and the
work done with simple efficiency, PLONGEURS might work six or eight hours a day
instead often or fifteen.
Suppose it is granted that a PLONGEUR’S work is more or less useless.
Then the question follows, Why does anyone want him to go on working? I am
trying to go beyond the immediate economic cause, and to consider what pleasure
it can give anyone to think of men swabbing dishes for life. For there is no
doubt that people—comfortably situated people—do find a pleasure in such
thoughts. A slave, Marcus Gato said, should be working when he is not sleeping.
It does not matter whether his work is needed or not, he must work, because
work in itself is good—for slaves, at least. This sentiment still survives, and
it has piled up mountains of useless drudgery.
I
believe that this instinct to perpetuate useless work is, at bottom, simply
fear of the mob. The mob (the thought runs) are such low animals that they
would be dangerous if they had leisure; it is safer to keep them too busy to
think. A rich man who happens to be intellectually honest, if he is questioned
about the improvement of working conditions, usually says something like this:
‘We
know that poverty is unpleasant; in fact, since it is so remote, we rather
enjoy harrowing ourselves with the thought of its unpleasantness. But don’t
expect us to do anything about it. We are sorry for you lower classes, just as
we are sorry for a, cat with the mange, but we will fight like devils against
any improvement of your condition. We feel that you are much safer as you are.
The present state of affairs suits us, and we are not going to take the risk of
setting you free, even by an extra hour a day. So, dear brothers, since
evidently you must sweat to pay for our trips to Italy, sweat and be damned to
you.’
This
is particularly the attitude of intelligent, cultivated people; one can read
the substance of it in a hundred essays. Very few cultivated people have less
than (say) four hundred pounds a year, and naturally they side with the rich,
because they imagine that any liberty conceded to the poor is a threat to their
own liberty. Foreseeing some dismal Marxian Utopia as the alternative, the
educated man prefers to keep things as they are. Possibly he does not like his
fellow-rich very much, but he supposes that even the vulgarest of them are less
inimical to his pleasures, more his kind of people, than the poor, and that he
had better stand by them. It is this fear of a supposedly dangerous mob that makes
nearly all intelligent people conservative in their opinions.
Fear
of the mob is a superstitious fear. It is based on the idea that there is some
mysterious, fundamental difference between rich and poor, as though they were
two different races, like Negroes and white men. But in reality there is no
such difference. The mass of the rich and the poor are differentiated by their
incomes and nothing else, and the. average millionaire is only the average
dishwasher dressed in a new suit. Change places, and handy dandy, which is the
justice, which is the thief? Everyone who has mixed on equal terms with the
poor knows this quite well. But the trouble is that intelligent, cultivated
people, the very people who might be expected to have liberal opinions, never
do mix with the poor. For what do the majority of educated people know about
poverty? In my copy of Villon’s poems the editor has actually thought it
necessary to explain the line ‘NE PAIN NE VOYENT QU’AUX FENESTRES’ by a
footnote; so remote is even hunger from the educated man’s experience.
From
this ignorance a superstitious fear of the mob results quite naturally. The
educated man pictures a horde of submen, wanting only a day’s liberty to loot
his house, burn his books, and set him to work minding a machine or sweeping
out a lavatory. ‘Anything,’ he thinks, ‘any injustice, sooner than let that mob
loose.’ He does not see that since there is no difference between the mass of
rich and poor, there is no question of setting the mob loose. The mob is in
fact loose now, and—in the shape of rich men—is its power to set up enormous
treadmills of boredom, such as ‘smart’ hotels.
To
sum up. A PLONGEUR is a slave, and a wasted slave, doing stupid and largely
unnecessary work. He is kept at work, ultimately, because of a vague feeling
that he would be dangerous if he had leisure. And educated people, who should
be on his side, acquiesce in the process, because they know nothing about him
and consequently are afraid of him. I say this of the PLONGEUR because it is
his case I have been considering; it would apply equally to numberless other
types of worker. These are only my own ideas about the basic facts of a
PLONGEUR’S life, made without reference to immediate economic questions, and no
doubt largely platitudes. I present them as a sample of the thoughts that are
put into one’s head by working in an hotel.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Though I cannot fly, I'm not content to crawl.
"If I am only here to watch you
as you suffer, I will let you down.
The answers we find
are never what we had in mind,
so we make it up as we go along.
You don't talk of dreams
and I won't mention tomorrow.
We won't make those promises
that we can't keep--
I will never leave you,
I will not let you down."
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Back To the Places Where It All Began
Spaces
1.
In this room I was born. And I knew I was in the wrong place: the world. I knew pain was to come. I knew it by the persistence of the blade that cut me out. I knew it as every baby born to the world knows it: I came here to die.
2.
Somewhere a beautiful woman in a story I do not understand is crying. If I strain hard enough I will hear a song in the background. She is holding a letter. She is in love with Peter. I am in love with her.
3.
Stand on the floor where it’s marked X. I am standing by your side where it’s marked Y. We are a shoulder’s length apart. I’m so close you can almost smell the perfume. If I step ten paces away from you, there could be a garden between us, or a table and some chairs. If I step another 20 paces there could be a house between us. If I continue to walk away from you in this way, tramping through walls and hovering above water, in 80,150,320 steps I will bump into you. I can never get away from you, and will you remember me? Distance brings us closer. There is no distance.
4.
In 1961 I was in Berlin. It was a dusty Sunday in August. In the radio news was out that Ulbricht had convinced Khrushchev to build a wall around West Berlin. I remember it precisely: By midnight East German troops had sealed off the zonal boundary with barbed wire. The streets along which the barrier ran had been torn up. I lived in that street. It was the day after my birthday. I remember the dust covering the sky. I remember being scared. Father had not returned from the other side. The Kampfgruppen der Arbeiterklasse had orders to shoot anyone who would attempt to defect. Father had not returned.
5.
Happiness is simple.
Sadness forks into many roads.
6.
Before the time of Christ, Aristotle believed that the earth was the center of the universe because he needed a stationary reference point against which to measure all other motions: a rock falling, a star reeling through the sky, his heart beating against his chest like a club. He needed to believe in certainty, in absolute space. Without it, the world would not be known absolutely. Without it, the world cannot be known.
Twenty centuries later Hendrik Lorentz needed to believe that every single molecule in the universe must move through a stationary material called the aether, as every human being in his various turnings must move through God. Scientists looked everywhere for proof of this aether. And everywhere they found nothing.
7.
I have sometimes been accused of being a bore. I beg to differ: people laugh at my jokes, and I’m handsome. I would like now to talk more about myself: I don’t like going to airports and hospitals. They make me uneasy. In both cases, somebody is always going to leave. I was born in 1983, and have never been to Berlin. But I have a memory of being in Berlin in 1961. I have a memory of something that never happened.
I would like to elaborate on myself, but you will understand if I talk instead about the sky in Berlin in 1961: it was covered with dust. There were no birds. There was no sky.
8.
Memory is brutal because precise.
9.
She said: give me more space. I said: don’t you love me anymore? She said: give me more space. I said: why? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong? Is there someone else? When did you stop loving me? In what precise moment? In what room? What city?
I held her tight as one who’s about to lose his own life holds on. Then she said: give me more space. I said: no.
10.
I have only one purpose: to live intensely.
11.
I wish I never met you
and I wish you never left.
You taste like a river in June.
12.
I’m going to say something important. Look at my face. Ignore my eyes. Just listen to me. But listen only to the timbre of my voice, not to what I am saying. They are different. They are two different rooms. The first is an exhibition of despair, the second only an explanation.
The first is all you have to listen to. So listen carefully because I cannot repeat myself:
“Everything/ one suspects to be true/ is true.”
13.
In 1879 a boy is born in Germany. At age five he’d throw a chair at his violin teacher and chase him out. In time he would develop the capacity to withdraw instantaneously from a crowd into loneliness. At twenty-six he would publish his theory of relativity in Annalen der Physik. He looks crazy, but he is certain: there is no aether, no absolute space.
14.
Sometimes they thought it was the words.
What they wanted to say could not be said.
They fixed the TV, vacuumed the rug,
dusted the furniture, looked out the window.
Sometimes she would purposefully lose hold of
a plate and it would smash to the floor.
Then they would have something to say,
only to begin to say it then stop.
15.
Look at this box. It is empty except for a diary, a book, and this picture in my hand. Now look at this picture. It weighs nothing and occupies almost zero space. I can slip it in anywhere and it will fit: inside the diary, under the box, through a crack on the wall. If I tear it several times, it will occupy a different volume, many and various. It mutates, you see. If I burn it, it will smoke into the air. It will take up a whole expanse.
16.
How many more times
are you going to let the world
hurt you?
17.
My father is an incorrigible storyteller. He would tell the same stories in different ways. I wouldn’t know which ones to believe. So I believed all of them. “There is no story that is not true,” said Uchendu.
Father would point at the TV. He would repeat lines, rehearse the beginnings and ends, explicate with his hands the elaborate twists and turns of every road.
He said: “I am dying.”
I said: “But aren’t all of us dying.”
18.
And I thought the world
was about this leaving,
not about anybody’s leaving
but about this leaving.
The next day it was the same.
19.
A beautiful woman walks into a room. The room is dark. There are no windows. There is one light bulb but any time now it will go off. I pretend not to notice and look away, my heart beating against my chest like a club. If I strain hard enough I will hear a song in the background. What other forms of happiness are there than this?
20.
In 1989 the Berlin wall falls down.
21.
I believe in love only when it rains.
22.
To appreciate the value of land, one need only look into a painting: so much beauty. Buying land means buying the layers of beauty directly above it. It means buying the sky above it. And the birds above it, the clouds, the gods.
In truth you are buying a corner of the universe. You are saying: this is my room. You are saying: I live here. Here I exist.
23.
Your sadness is immaterial. You did
not come into the world to be happy.
~
You came to suffer/survive.
24.
How many words have you spoken in your life?
How many did you mean?
How many did you understand?
25.
Somebody picks up a phone. He dials a number. His voice travels a thousand miles into another country. On the other end somebody picks up and hears the voice. Who is this?– This is me. The phone is hung up. The voice travels back a thousand miles.
Elsewhere somebody picks up a phone and before he could dial forgets the number.
26.
Sometimes wars are waged because there are too many people in too few rooms.
27.
Memory is incomplete–lost.
The world is incomplete–vanishing.
Nothing more happens. You open your eyes and it’s over.
Memory is brutal.
Memory is precise.
28.
In the next room people I do not know are talking with hushed voices. Their secret slips out the window like a cat. It is raining, and I press my ear to the wall. I imagine that one of them is smoking a cigarette. I imagine that one of them is covering his mouth in surprise.
29.
When my aunt died the doctors said the fat clogged her arteries. Every week she visited the hospital, and every week the vein on her wrist had to be ripped out so a catheter could be stuck into her body to suck out her blood. You could see the plasma pass through a filter and then back to the body. If you put your ear to her wrist you would hear her heart.
Before my uncle died the heart attacks were so excruciating he said he’d prefer to just die. They transported him to the hospital, and on the way to the emergency room his heart gave. Mother said my uncle ate too much pork and drank too much beer. She wonders if he’s going to be happy in heaven.
30.
In some house in some province in some country in some novel there is a story of a man a father a child a lover who dies because of too much sadness.
31.
Nobody thought that what was wrong was the love.
32.
She said: give me more space.
-- Arkaye Kierulf
1.
In this room I was born. And I knew I was in the wrong place: the world. I knew pain was to come. I knew it by the persistence of the blade that cut me out. I knew it as every baby born to the world knows it: I came here to die.
2.
Somewhere a beautiful woman in a story I do not understand is crying. If I strain hard enough I will hear a song in the background. She is holding a letter. She is in love with Peter. I am in love with her.
3.
Stand on the floor where it’s marked X. I am standing by your side where it’s marked Y. We are a shoulder’s length apart. I’m so close you can almost smell the perfume. If I step ten paces away from you, there could be a garden between us, or a table and some chairs. If I step another 20 paces there could be a house between us. If I continue to walk away from you in this way, tramping through walls and hovering above water, in 80,150,320 steps I will bump into you. I can never get away from you, and will you remember me? Distance brings us closer. There is no distance.
4.
In 1961 I was in Berlin. It was a dusty Sunday in August. In the radio news was out that Ulbricht had convinced Khrushchev to build a wall around West Berlin. I remember it precisely: By midnight East German troops had sealed off the zonal boundary with barbed wire. The streets along which the barrier ran had been torn up. I lived in that street. It was the day after my birthday. I remember the dust covering the sky. I remember being scared. Father had not returned from the other side. The Kampfgruppen der Arbeiterklasse had orders to shoot anyone who would attempt to defect. Father had not returned.
5.
Happiness is simple.
Sadness forks into many roads.
6.
Before the time of Christ, Aristotle believed that the earth was the center of the universe because he needed a stationary reference point against which to measure all other motions: a rock falling, a star reeling through the sky, his heart beating against his chest like a club. He needed to believe in certainty, in absolute space. Without it, the world would not be known absolutely. Without it, the world cannot be known.
Twenty centuries later Hendrik Lorentz needed to believe that every single molecule in the universe must move through a stationary material called the aether, as every human being in his various turnings must move through God. Scientists looked everywhere for proof of this aether. And everywhere they found nothing.
7.
I have sometimes been accused of being a bore. I beg to differ: people laugh at my jokes, and I’m handsome. I would like now to talk more about myself: I don’t like going to airports and hospitals. They make me uneasy. In both cases, somebody is always going to leave. I was born in 1983, and have never been to Berlin. But I have a memory of being in Berlin in 1961. I have a memory of something that never happened.
I would like to elaborate on myself, but you will understand if I talk instead about the sky in Berlin in 1961: it was covered with dust. There were no birds. There was no sky.
8.
Memory is brutal because precise.
9.
She said: give me more space. I said: don’t you love me anymore? She said: give me more space. I said: why? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong? Is there someone else? When did you stop loving me? In what precise moment? In what room? What city?
I held her tight as one who’s about to lose his own life holds on. Then she said: give me more space. I said: no.
10.
I have only one purpose: to live intensely.
11.
I wish I never met you
and I wish you never left.
You taste like a river in June.
12.
I’m going to say something important. Look at my face. Ignore my eyes. Just listen to me. But listen only to the timbre of my voice, not to what I am saying. They are different. They are two different rooms. The first is an exhibition of despair, the second only an explanation.
The first is all you have to listen to. So listen carefully because I cannot repeat myself:
“Everything/ one suspects to be true/ is true.”
13.
In 1879 a boy is born in Germany. At age five he’d throw a chair at his violin teacher and chase him out. In time he would develop the capacity to withdraw instantaneously from a crowd into loneliness. At twenty-six he would publish his theory of relativity in Annalen der Physik. He looks crazy, but he is certain: there is no aether, no absolute space.
14.
Sometimes they thought it was the words.
What they wanted to say could not be said.
They fixed the TV, vacuumed the rug,
dusted the furniture, looked out the window.
Sometimes she would purposefully lose hold of
a plate and it would smash to the floor.
Then they would have something to say,
only to begin to say it then stop.
15.
Look at this box. It is empty except for a diary, a book, and this picture in my hand. Now look at this picture. It weighs nothing and occupies almost zero space. I can slip it in anywhere and it will fit: inside the diary, under the box, through a crack on the wall. If I tear it several times, it will occupy a different volume, many and various. It mutates, you see. If I burn it, it will smoke into the air. It will take up a whole expanse.
16.
How many more times
are you going to let the world
hurt you?
17.
My father is an incorrigible storyteller. He would tell the same stories in different ways. I wouldn’t know which ones to believe. So I believed all of them. “There is no story that is not true,” said Uchendu.
Father would point at the TV. He would repeat lines, rehearse the beginnings and ends, explicate with his hands the elaborate twists and turns of every road.
He said: “I am dying.”
I said: “But aren’t all of us dying.”
18.
And I thought the world
was about this leaving,
not about anybody’s leaving
but about this leaving.
The next day it was the same.
19.
A beautiful woman walks into a room. The room is dark. There are no windows. There is one light bulb but any time now it will go off. I pretend not to notice and look away, my heart beating against my chest like a club. If I strain hard enough I will hear a song in the background. What other forms of happiness are there than this?
20.
In 1989 the Berlin wall falls down.
21.
I believe in love only when it rains.
22.
To appreciate the value of land, one need only look into a painting: so much beauty. Buying land means buying the layers of beauty directly above it. It means buying the sky above it. And the birds above it, the clouds, the gods.
In truth you are buying a corner of the universe. You are saying: this is my room. You are saying: I live here. Here I exist.
23.
Your sadness is immaterial. You did
not come into the world to be happy.
~
You came to suffer/survive.
24.
How many words have you spoken in your life?
How many did you mean?
How many did you understand?
25.
Somebody picks up a phone. He dials a number. His voice travels a thousand miles into another country. On the other end somebody picks up and hears the voice. Who is this?– This is me. The phone is hung up. The voice travels back a thousand miles.
Elsewhere somebody picks up a phone and before he could dial forgets the number.
26.
Sometimes wars are waged because there are too many people in too few rooms.
27.
Memory is incomplete–lost.
The world is incomplete–vanishing.
Nothing more happens. You open your eyes and it’s over.
Memory is brutal.
Memory is precise.
28.
In the next room people I do not know are talking with hushed voices. Their secret slips out the window like a cat. It is raining, and I press my ear to the wall. I imagine that one of them is smoking a cigarette. I imagine that one of them is covering his mouth in surprise.
29.
When my aunt died the doctors said the fat clogged her arteries. Every week she visited the hospital, and every week the vein on her wrist had to be ripped out so a catheter could be stuck into her body to suck out her blood. You could see the plasma pass through a filter and then back to the body. If you put your ear to her wrist you would hear her heart.
Before my uncle died the heart attacks were so excruciating he said he’d prefer to just die. They transported him to the hospital, and on the way to the emergency room his heart gave. Mother said my uncle ate too much pork and drank too much beer. She wonders if he’s going to be happy in heaven.
30.
In some house in some province in some country in some novel there is a story of a man a father a child a lover who dies because of too much sadness.
31.
Nobody thought that what was wrong was the love.
32.
She said: give me more space.
-- Arkaye Kierulf
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Sleeping with One Eye Open
"The dream has gone but the baby is real
Oh, did a good thing
She could have been a poet
Or she could have been a fool
Oh, did a bad thing
And I'm not happy
And I'm not sad."
Quiet Evening
You take my hand; then we’re alone
in the life-threatening forest. Almost immediately
we’re in a house; Noah’s
grown and moved away; the clematis after ten years
suddenly flowers white.
More than anything in the world
I love these evenings when we’re together,
the quiet evenings in summer, the sky still light at this hour.
So Penelope took the hand of Odysseus,
not to hold him back but to impress
this peace on his memory:
from this point on, the silence through which you move
is my voice pursuing you.
-- Louise Glück
Sunday, June 7, 2015
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