Four Years & Counting

Do you know? For you I bleed myself dry.

For you I bleed myself dry.




03/15/2012

Without Valium

A few weeks ago, A. expressed an honest observation he had about my general outlook on life. His exact words were, “It’s like… you have the inability to be happy anywhere you go.” He said I seem to always find errors and focus on the downside of situations when I actually have so many things to be glad about.

Yup, that sounds exactly like me. I’ve always been so hard on myself. And it’s come to a point where seeking ideals has become more detrimental than beneficial.

“So you think I’m ungrateful?” I asked, seriously contemplating the realization he had to let me hear. To help me understand, he explained he wasn’t talking about being ungrateful. That’s just how it looks when you keep choosing to see the wrong side of things. He told me I have difficulty stopping myself whenever I have the tendency to be overly negative. That I mustn’t let temporary setbacks cancel out all the beautiful things that have always made me happy. Instead of brooding over them, I should let them pass. And when I do think about the bigger picture, yes, everything will inevitably pass.

Despite having my share of struggles (for nothing is ever easy when it comes to building a career, chasing stability, and finding a place for yourself), A. knows I’m overwhelmed by the privileges I have, all thanks to my generous family. And I’ve always told him I feel so undeserving of the conveniences given to me. Yes, I have it easier than most people. Yet it doesn’t make me feel better when they say things like “Your problems are so much easier compared to ours.” Well, it’s true. We meet people who are luckier on certain areas of life than others.  But please don’t make my life look like a freakin’ walk in the park. I’m scared about a lot of things mostly because I doubt myself. I’m not sure if I am strong enough. And for the longest time, doubting has been how I lived my life.

I know depression shouldn’t be an excuse for anything. However, I think it’s about time I actively do something about my condition. Perhaps this is how the universe tells me I should ask for help? For the most part, it takes guts to talk to someone than keep everything bottled up (which is why I’d rather write everything down). Somewhere I read that depression is a pattern of negative thinking. Knowing this, I must take an active role in training my mind to think positively.

The thing is, all the anxiety and depression is just half of the story. The truth is I feel guilty for having things I didn’t work for, for not being capable enough to put my personal resources to better use. For being irresponsible when I had many opportunities to step up and be a decent adult. Most of all, I am ashamed for hiding in my comfort zone because it’s easier to do things like I always have. Yes, my bad. I guess I’ve always thought I’d be more helpful and independent by this age. Now, I’m seeing how my decisions have turned out. It’s not like I didn’t know the consequences back then. What does this prove? Even when you think you know, despite running all probable outcomes, once you’re there your future always takes you by surprise.

“Look. This is what happens when you take things for granted.” That was all he said thereafter. I was in the middle of forgetting every personal triumph for little failures that pile up because I can’t let them go. So I stopped and took a deep breath. As we walked on, I made a mental list of everything I loved about that day.

---


There's a story here somewhere.

"I wanna sell, but not be bought."
"Please work with what is left."


"Make it hard to imitation.
Take your picture, congratulations."


"Put those habits on the shelf."

The Rider

Some believe the end will come
in the form of a mathematical equation.
Others believe it will descend as a shining horse.
I calculate the probabilities to be even at fifty percent:
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
I open a window,
I unmake a bed,
Somehow, I am moving closer to the equation
or to the horse with everything I do.
Death comes in the form of a horse
covered in shining equations.
There will be no further clues, I see.
I begin to read my horse.
The equations are drawn in the shapes of horses:
horses covered in equations.
I am tempted to hook an ankle
around the world as I ride away.
For I am about to ride far beyond
the low prairie of beginnings and endings.


--Sarah Manguso

Against Religious Fundamentalism

I'm leaving this right here. Thanks to my friend Gela for writing this and allowing me to repost it. I think it's about time I acknowledge these issues have greatly influenced the way I lived my life. Why? Because we have to realize any religious sect that teaches intolerance breeds hate, division, and terrorism.

For the record, I realized I no longer live with Catholic guilt.

***

"Because "Spotlight" had a cathartic effect on this lapse Catholic.

 Born and raised Catholics who have left the Church have remorse too for their decision. We didn't just wake up one day and decide to leave a faith we grew up with and guided us during our crucial years. It isn't some sort of rebellion done out of spite. Perhaps it began with spite, but even anger can become tiring. But disappointment? Oh disappointment never leaves you, and living with the disappointment isn't easy. We were taught to do the right thing, be accountable, and confess to our sins. Then we went out into the real world and saw how Church leaders and the most devout could show hate instead of love to a boy who was naturally attracted to another boy, or dismiss a girl for not being “womanly” enough because she acted like a boy. Or how a woman’s value is limited to being a good wife and having children, and then made to feel guilty for choosing a career and independence, despite the latter not violating any actual commandments. Or how showing a little skin made her an occasion of sin, removing all accountability to the pervert who gazed at her because she was "asking" for it and leading him to temptation.

And yet despite encouraging women to bear more children, this Church did not see the consequences of opposing a reproductive health bill, letting thousands of Filipinas suffer in a poorly kept hospital as they suffered the pain of bearing their 6th or 10th child. Did this church ever own up to these faults on humanity? Do you see the disconnect and difficulty of being raised to uphold and do the right thing, and see the very institution that taught you all that, do the opposite?

So no, we are not Satanic, blasphemous or “bad” for leaving the Church. Ask us first why, ask us what guilt is harder to bear: complying to rituals and prayers because they seem like the right thing or supporting an institution that makes lives harder for millions of individuals all over the world?

Good night. Go watch "Spotlight" if you still don't believe us."

What do you want out of life?

Crossroads

My body, now that we will not be traveling together much longer
I begin to feel a new tenderness toward you, very raw and unfamiliar,
like what I remember of love when I was young–

love that was so often foolish in its objectives
but never in its choices, its intensities.
Too much demanded in advance, too much that could not be promised–

My soul has been so fearful, so violent:
forgive its brutality.
As though it were that soul, my hand moves over you cautiously,

not wishing to give offense
but eager, finally, to achieve expression as substance:

it is not the earth I will miss,
it is you I will miss.


-- Louise Glück

Marathon

1)
Lately I've been bingeing on Wong Kar Wai films to help me fall asleep. But who was I kidding? Watching poignant movies always make me stay up longer. With my emotions and thoughts stimulated into comprehensible words, these films help give form to whatever feelings I can't seem to express. That's always been the case for me. I actively seek art, poetry, and stories to find an anchor, something familiar that could perhaps make sense of this strange condition called existence.

2)
Wong Kar Wai is fascinated by the beauty of sadness, loss, and what it means to be alone. It's easy to say most people relate with the lonesomeness of his characters and their failure to move on. Most of his pictures resonate great nostalgia and longing, which is a recurring theme in most of his films. After tonight's marathon, I noticed the notion of consciously moving forward seems understated in his work. There is a lot to be learned from getting drunk with our regrets.

3)
I love my solitude. I love it so much sometimes I think I can never make my relationships last. But I only require enough time to be who I am. Someone who values being alone can understand this. At the same time, I seek genuine companionship. It's become exceedingly rare to find people who listen and understand. Oddly enough, I've found one.

4)
I have preoccupations. I exhaust themes until I find another subject worthy of my time. All art borders on obsession. I don't think I can keep writing once I've lost that. Or hell. I keep writing anyway.

5)
I recall how I used to give parts of myself away. It wasn't as difficult as it is now. It's not that I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed sharing my time with others. I'd give a hand, a strand of my hair, a limb. I didn't expect much in return. I knew I could never get back parts of myself, but I willingly gave them away. I had to stop because it started to hurt--not because I lost myself. Who were these people? I couldn't count on any of them.

6)
Movement is inevitable-- we can't really stay in one place even if we desire to. I recall my graduate school professor say, "Don't you worry! Before you know it, you will be very different." Those were his remarks when I said I was tired of writing about the same things. I guess that was precisely it. I hated the idea of change, so I kept writing about what once was. God knows how many times I replay places in my head. When those pictures don't satisfy me anymore, I play every possibility to the limit. You can call this overthinking that overlaps with daydreaming. In reality, I was looking for something constant in my life. I made myself sick that way.

7)
Time may move slow for some of us, but we change even when we don't intend to. No life can be contained. I think that's the beauty and tragedy of being human: We never know what we'll end up doing. People can say they'll do one thing, and do the exact opposite. And, as life would have it, external influences can and will change every plan for us, whether we agree to them or not.

8)
We barely survive the abuses 
we inflict upon ourselves
We never mean to be unkind 
the colors leave us blind
We get what we deserve 
and we pay for what we get

Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle
Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle

Ride...

We brave the accusations 
and stand on burning bridges
Blame it all on weakness  
and crucify our innocence
We get what we deserve 
and we pay for what we get

Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle
Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle

Now we have come to our highways' end
Run along now and carry on
Embrace the changes, sanctify this distance
We're certified experienced 
to do it all again