Passing

Some nights don't beg for sleep but keep your eyes locked in the dark staring at the nothing that has passed your body so many times. You must have caught it once, maybe twice, then went on to somewhere more important; a celebration where firm hands would clink glasses full of wine. Try as you might, you can no longer recall for whom the party was, or what was so eventful you were glad to be there that night. But it was where everyone placed their life on desires as though the endless meant the sun would fail to rise. Anyhow, nothing, for so long, has passed: It is no longer a question of how much time you have wasted. Hope is a man on a train who missed your station because he was busy pitying the drunk who fell by his side. He was always passing, and wherever he went, he was expected. He had everywhere to go.

to the other side of myself

i'm having bouts of self-mutilation in my head again. most days i feel this lack of energy does me good only because it keeps me from destroying this body. the images come in succession when i'm trying to focus on writing, and mostly when i'm trying to find rest. it keeps me from sleeping. it's strange how one can be so restless and yet feel so weak. the restlessness sustains me with an illusion of control, while i feel weak when it finally becomes a kind of physical anxiety, as if i'm squirming for air in a tiny room. awful, this failure of not doing. the frustration arrives when i see how i've wasted so many days, months of my life, accomplishing nothing important. 

you see, it's hard to love yourself when you've been in conflict with it for a while. self, you keep searching for different ways to resolve concerns, even opt for temporary solutions, to find another way to live; anything but the ways myself has suggested. see, here. i have paralyzed myself. settling for the things i have and still managing to lose them isn't a favorable streak. and i know it will not work; what i want isn't always what i need. self, you might want to do yourself a favor while you still have the time. already i dread losing you to contempt. get out, and while you're at it, why don't you do some real talking?

That I Would Be Good

All over the place:

1.
It's strange to find that after all this time, I still can't understand why we hurt when the one's we care for are hurting. Maybe I've been denying this truth for a long time. Whether I came to accept it early on or not doesn't make me feel any better or wiser as a person. I simply cannot write over the fact that what happens in their life affects me as much as it affects them. I'm talking about how I feel when it comes to important people in my life. For a long time, I tried to project this solid shell. I just convinced myself I'm fine. With it came masks which were easy to wear. It has become part of my life. It's not about pretensions, it's just a way of coping. These are the kind of things I don't apologize for.

2.

I haven't really dealt with my emotions in a long time, and I guess it's just catching up with me. Bottling everything up helped me on the surface, but it's just not enough anymore. I guess it explains why I'm so guarded, why I limit potential relationships, and fail to have more fruitful friendships. I am selfish. I'd rather not give of myself. This has been the case for years. 

For someone who's passive and thin of blood, this is nerve racking. However, it is liberating. I know I should at least try to free my mind. I try not to put parameters on myself (there's enough of that in the world outside).


3.
I'd like to think I haven't lost my mind. I'm just possessed by years of pent-up emotions. I need to remind myself not to take that route the next time around because it has obviously greatly failed. 


4.
How do you trust something that changes all the time? Is the heart ever satisfied? Does it know enough to guide you? (Don't be all romantic Cor, don't trust emotional whims, you never won that way, you know you never will.) 


5.
Love is not enough. I will say it now and it will be true for years to come. It is never enough.

6.
It's difficult to be honest with others when you can't even be honest with yourself. I denied lots of truths and I only began to deal with them after having ghosts linger in my room. 

7.

I used to feel guilty for being selfish. These days, I think it's just a driving force that fuels me to live.


8.
It's difficult to negotiate within human relationships. It would be a lot harder if the mind and the heart never found a way to compromise. I tried to rid myself of this problem by eliminating the heart, only to search for it again. We were designed to work with both. We're so human that way.