Marathon

1)
Lately I've been bingeing on Wong Kar Wai films to help me fall asleep. But who was I kidding? Watching poignant movies always make me stay up longer. With my emotions and thoughts stimulated into comprehensible words, these films help give form to whatever feelings I can't seem to express. That's always been the case for me. I actively seek art, poetry, and stories to find an anchor, something familiar that could perhaps make sense of this strange condition called existence.

2)
Wong Kar Wai is fascinated by the beauty of sadness, loss, and what it means to be alone. It's easy to say most people relate with the lonesomeness of his characters and their failure to move on. Most of his pictures resonate great nostalgia and longing, which is a recurring theme in most of his films. After tonight's marathon, I noticed the notion of consciously moving forward seems understated in his work. There is a lot to be learned from getting drunk with our regrets.

3)
I love my solitude. I love it so much sometimes I think I can never make my relationships last. But I only require enough time to be who I am. Someone who values being alone can understand this. At the same time, I seek genuine companionship. It's become exceedingly rare to find people who listen and understand. Oddly enough, I've found one.

4)
I have preoccupations. I exhaust themes until I find another subject worthy of my time. All art borders on obsession. I don't think I can keep writing once I've lost that. Or hell. I keep writing anyway.

5)
I recall how I used to give parts of myself away. It wasn't as difficult as it is now. It's not that I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed sharing my time with others. I'd give a hand, a strand of my hair, a limb. I didn't expect much in return. I knew I could never get back parts of myself, but I willingly gave them away. I had to stop because it started to hurt--not because I lost myself. Who were these people? I couldn't count on any of them.

6)
Movement is inevitable-- we can't really stay in one place even if we desire to. I recall my graduate school professor say, "Don't you worry! Before you know it, you will be very different." Those were his remarks when I said I was tired of writing about the same things. I guess that was precisely it. I hated the idea of change, so I kept writing about what once was. God knows how many times I replay places in my head. When those pictures don't satisfy me anymore, I play every possibility to the limit. You can call this overthinking that overlaps with daydreaming. In reality, I was looking for something constant in my life. I made myself sick that way.

7)
Time may move slow for some of us, but we change even when we don't intend to. No life can be contained. I think that's the beauty and tragedy of being human: We never know what we'll end up doing. People can say they'll do one thing, and do the exact opposite. And, as life would have it, external influences can and will change every plan for us, whether we agree to them or not.

8)
We barely survive the abuses 
we inflict upon ourselves
We never mean to be unkind 
the colors leave us blind
We get what we deserve 
and we pay for what we get

Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle
Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle

Ride...

We brave the accusations 
and stand on burning bridges
Blame it all on weakness  
and crucify our innocence
We get what we deserve 
and we pay for what we get

Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle
Here is the game and here is the cycle
While I ride my motorbykle

Now we have come to our highways' end
Run along now and carry on
Embrace the changes, sanctify this distance
We're certified experienced 
to do it all again