Singing to Only You

As You Sleep


Close your eyes
And I will be swimming
Lullabies fill your room
And I will be singing
Singing to only you
Don't forget I'll hold your head
Watch the night sky fading red

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me

In the car, the radio leaves me
Searching for your star
A constellation of frustration
Driving hard
Singing my thoughts back to me
Like watching heartache on TV

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me

Don't forget I'll hold your head
Watch the night sky fading red

But as you sleep
And no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet
I'll keep you from sinking
Don't you wake up yet,
'Cause soon I'll be leaving you,
Soon I'll be leaving you,
But you won't be leaving me.


--Andrew McMahon

I said I desperately needed some peace of mind. An hour later, he came back with ox brain soup...

Anyway.

It didn't occur to me then, but maintaining an "inner life" is synonymous to keeping your heart and mind at peace. My teenage self misunderstood it as simply retreating from the world and wallowing in desolation (I tried to deny it, but this planet is filled with awful individuals who would rather get ahead at the expense of others). If you know what I mean, the anxiety comes back threefold the moment you must step outside. Like all peculiar complexes, it gets worse the longer you hide.

Withdrawal initially makes us feel safe and secure, but it's detrimental when we use it to build thicker walls. Avoiding people and responsibilities hinders us from having more worthwhile learning experiences. If one really wants to grow, I learned--the hard way 'coz I'm stubborn as hell--that we should balance our need for solitude and active involvement in the world. You can tell me it's a no brainer, but it's easier said than done. To be honest, there was a time I couldn't stand being alone, I just couldn't admit it to myself. I guess I've gotten old enough to say I feel fine on my own. Add that to the fact that I usually want to be left alone. However, on darker times, I seek companionship. Luckily, there are a few people who still stick around for me. 

The world has a way of numbing us through the arbitrariness of adult life. Time and again I feel how work and obligations can take over what's left of my time, leaving me with no room to even process what I'm doing/what is happening. I think we're likely to react the best way we can, in the easiest possible way, at a particular point in time. 

Personally, sometimes I'm just too tired to think of better ways to deal with my shit. That's how I lose myself: when I get world-weary and lazy to even care. And, that's exactly it! It's so much easier to think of inane things (like where to go for the weekend, what Netflix series to watch, when to pay bills, etc.) than to actually sit still and appreciate where we are right now. 

The world conditions us to keep moving, as if staying still, reading, or reflecting on what really matters isn't productive at all. That when we lose touch with our inner lives, we equate the value of our existence with the things we gain materially. Why? Because objects give immediate gratification and inner peace takes so much time without any tangible markers of "success" (which is bullshit, by the way). Most people are not patient by nature. It's like what Jose Mujica said, "I am not advocating poverty, I am advocating sobriety." At some point we have to stop wanting affectations and start working on cultivating rich inner lives.

These days my pursuit for peace and contentment looks more like this: I make time alone, daily, to empty myself of negative thoughts like worries and fears. I make a conscious effort to focus my energy on good outcomes and things I can improve, all while reminding myself that I must strive to be kind, even to myself. I am slowly training my overthinking mind to generate deep and divergent thoughts that do not reject my humanity and smallness. In the process, I hope to have a clearer mind that isn't easily crushed by the world beyond me.

While time alone is essential, it's the quality of our thoughts that will ultimately help us acquire meaningful (inner) lives. I took note of this after realizing I tend towards the downward spiral of depressive thinking. Any form of meditation, prayer, reflection, or whatever you want to call it is a step closer to strengthening ourselves, from the inside out. So yesss, I'm taking care of my head.