Shit got real.

So yeah. The teaching thing keeps me from finishing the previous series. Who would have thought. Also: Eternal torture to kids who don't read. Ha!

Nothing I dream is new

20 & anything goes

1. I have trouble holding down a job. In my first job, I was an account manager in a PR company for barely 2 months. I hated my boss and my officemates (there were only 5 of them, boss included.) I was a program researcher for a TV show but I only worked there 6 months. I hated the people there 100 times more. This is the reason why I couldn’t stay in one company: I have a hard time pretending to be nice around people I dislike / di ko vibes for various reasons (e.g. unprofessional, too loud, freeloaders, backstabbers etc.) The longest I’ve ever been employed was 10 months. I just bummed around and did freelance gigs, and mostly went to school in between all that.

2. I do miss having an office job. If ever I find another job, I’ll probably quit it again in less than a year. HA!

3. I loathe unnecessary plastikan. I’m getting too old for that.

4. Most of what I do today is influenced by my mood. I’m so afraid my mood swings have taken over my life that I can’t become productive anymore.

5. Despite my lack of commitment to any type of job, being late for classes or meetings, and not having any real structure in my life for the past 2 and a half years, I am in fact what you call a manang. Proof: I spend Friday nights at home with chips and soda / tea / coffee AND a lovely book. I don’t keep alcohol for myself at home (well, not anymore.)

6. On the evening of my high school graduation, I got a call from my old yaya who left when I was ten years old. After congratulating me, she asked if I already knew I was adopted. I had no idea what she was talking about, so I tried my best to sound unsurprised. I ended up sort of saying I’ve known it for a while. When I asked who told her I was adopted, she simply said one of our other maids (her cousin) revealed it to her. I didn’t believe her because something about how she knew a thing like that seemed fishy. However unconvinced, I still felt insecure. What if it was true? I started fishing for information from my brother, the other maids, and my folks. You could imagine how my heart dropped when my brother said he couldn’t remember our mom being pregnant with me. Of course he could have been too young to remember, but it still left me worried. Anyway, to cut the long story short, I talked to our oldest maid and I found out it’s just a joke one of the yaya’s made up which my old yaya apparently took too seriously. What a bummer.

7. I’ve had pneumonia 3 times in my 25 years of existence. Most of my friends know I quit smoking (except when I was in Dumaguete, but I haven’t touched a stick since I came back) and this, aside from my fear of getting cancer, is the reason why. I was 16 when I first got sick with it not knowing how serious it was after coughing and wheezing for a month. I got well after taking antibiotics for a week every six hours. The second time I had it was after a medical exam administered by the college I was attending. A week later the family doctor said I got it again. I got really scared the third time around (call me paranoid but I think it’s bronchitis!) I swear to god if I get it again it might be the end of me.

8. There was a time I dated a girl in college when my then boyfriend was away in Ilo-ilo. The girl turned out to have a girlfriend as well. An even sadder story? When we both decided to return to our partners, none of our relationships worked out. It took us a year to talk casually with each other again. We endured another 2 years of awkwardly working together on group projects (e.g. shooting a film for an entire semester.) After we graduated, I messaged her just to say I was sorry. The girl asked to meet me and I never replied. We’re still friends on FB.

9. I received an indecent proposal when I was working in GMA. A gay make-up artist tried to convince me to sleep with a lesbian balik bayan from the U.K. He thought I’d be delighted with the prospect of having a sugar mama. (I wonder why?)

10. Other indecent proposals: When I was 19, a girl who was stalking me on Multiply asked if I was interested in having a threesome with her and her ex-boyfriend. I was so young and innocent I turned it down. Today I think I should put this on my bucket list. (We’ll see?)

11. I have never seen A Walk to Remember.

12. Four years ago, I almost got caught with marijuana when the police stopped our car for a random check-point under the Katipunan flyover. My ex-boyfriend and I were in a friend’s car and we were smoking weed on our way to Mag:net (oh god where have I been?!) We noticed the police before hitting the U-turn slot and pulled over a few blocks. We opened our windows and turned the A/C on full blast. Our friend came prepared with Lysol. We hid the stash under my seat. After briefing ourselves with what to say when the police asked us stuff, we went for it. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Good thing they didn’t have a drug sniffing dog. I remember laughing like a retard after passing the police, but I was depressed for 3 days after that.

13. I was a member of our parish choir for 5 years. I used to love singing in church. I even learned how to play the guitar in church.

14. I am vacillating between agnosticism and atheism. Don’t worry; I am very tolerant with religious beliefs EXCEPT the bigoted kind.

15. I’ve tried sending my CV to schools in hopes of becoming a college professor. Good luck with that.

16. I am mostly insecure about everything because I know that whatever I do well can be done better by someone else. It’s a very humbling thought, and also a very inhibiting one.

17. Latest realization: Nothing’s / nobody’s worth all the trouble. At the end of the day, you only have yourself. Well, that’s just me.

18. I don’t invest energy on being liked anymore. I think I’m merely making life easier for all of us. I’ve let go of some social aspects of myself for a year now. I really don’t mind if people find me boring, inattentive, insensitive, aloof etc. It’s mostly true. And I find that being away from a lot of people keeps me from wondering what other people think of me (did I say anything offensive? did I do well enough? why is so and so mean towards me? etc.,) an activity which isn’t exactly productive either. But when I’m there, I’m there. I give you all my time and attention.

19. What makes me sad: Having impossible standards even I can’t achieve.

20. Truth: I am a better reader/critic than I am a writer. 

As much as I’d like to claim I am a writer, I’m not sure I’ll ever be good enough to become one. I've always had to remind myself that the writing and the poetry is all just part of it. The goal has always been to live.